Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Insight Into My Messed Up Head

Note: If you've always wanted to be a therapist or counselor then here's your chance. Read on for insight into Patty's messed up head.

In the past I've been careful not to share too much personal stuff. I know I've shared some of my concerns and embarrassing moments. Remember the time I told y'all I forgot to shave my legs when I had a pedicure? And I've told y'all how I think I need to become healthier and even posted pictures. All somewhat personal. But today I've got to share an issue that I don't think I can resolve easily. Not that losing a bunch of weight is easy. And this may seem the wrong place to share my most personal fears and issues. But I've read some amazing blogs from some remarkable women who have shared their personal stories even when it was so hard. I get the feeling that by sharing my story and issues I will feel better. All of you have been so supportive and caring so I know that it won't be different this time. I'm lucky to have made such wonderful blogging friends. And in some cases the friendships have moved into the real world. So thanks and here goes...

I'm fat. Well I'm not just fat but really fat. And all my life I've been waiting for the one guy that really likes me for me. To be fair to other guys in my life there have been a few others but I can't say I felt intense feelings for them. I finally met a guy that loves me for me. I mean loves ALL of me exactly the way I am And he constantly tells me this. He says sweet things. Things about my personality, mind, and body. You would think this is what I've been longing for, right? A man I can love that loves me for me and can see past all my insecurities. However, even though I have NO doubt he is sincere my stupid head doesn't believe it. It's a constant struggle between my head and heart. And I hate that I can't control my head and make it follow my heart. I wish I could just let this go.

If you ask anyone I talk to on a regular basis I can't help but talk about my boyfriend. I love to share how sweet he is and how he makes me feel. The problem is that I can't completely believe it. And my biggest fear now is that I will lose him because of my insecurities. My messed up head keeps questioning him. I may not do it out loud or tell him but I do question it.

Lots of people think I've got it all together. That I'm at peace with how I look. And for the most part I am. I'm a big girl, I'm trying to get healthier, and I love the me I am. But now that I have this man that wants me in every way I can't help but have worries and doubts. Stupid, right? Why worry? But when society tells you that fat is bad and that men who love girls like us are not normal, what else am I supposed to think? I know that I shouldn't care what society thinks. And screw society...I'm a catch. But try telling my head that.

I know you may be thinking why blog about a relationship so new. What if it doesn't last? My answer to that is this: I am learning so much about myself right now. And if I can overcome my issue and let my head and heart become one then I don't ever want to forget the journey. I may or may not be with Matt forever. But whatever happens I'm opening up and learning so much. So in this respect I'm also becoming a New Patty.

I talked to Matt about blogging and posting pictures about him. He said that he didn't mind. I respect the fact that so many significant others prefer to stay out of the blogging world. But the fact that he supports this is another example of how he lets me be me and makes me happy. Even though Matt is okay with me blogging about him I realize there will be instances where privacy will be appreciated. I'm not going to tell y'all everything about us. But since this is a post about my journey I feel the need to be a little more open with what goes on with us.

To give you a better picture of how great of a guy Matt is I will share this. I've mentioned that I met Matt online in October. We met in person in December and I freaked out. I'm so independent and used to being on my own that I was overwhelmed with the couple stuff and all the togetherness. I know funny, right? Isn't it usually the man that freaks out? I'm a self-proclaimed girly girl tomboy. But I hadn't realized I was a commitment phobe. Yet when I shared this with Matt he backed off, he understood, he gave me my space, and he waited patiently for me to decide. I can't say many guys would have waited for me to do that.

I'm not really expecting to solve my issue tonight or anytime soon. But I feel like sharing my fear with you I can exhale and let it go a bit. I'm still a work in progress. I guess I'm hoping that my messed up head clears up sometime in the future and joins my heart in the land of happiness sooner than later.


Celine said...

Awww Patty, this is tough.
I totally understand the feeling though and I know it's easier said than done but let yourself go sweetie.
I truly believe all women are insecure wether they admit it or not, wether they're big or skinny.
We girls, always find something wrong with ourselves! LOL
But there are men out there who want nothing but to love us and who see us as who we really are.
It seems like Matt sees you for who you really are so my advice is : sit back and enjoy the ride! :)
Thanks for sharing your relationship with us.
Have an awesome day!

Amy said...

Hello Patty,
Thank for sharing your thoughts with me and everyone who reads your blog. To me that shows what a strong woman you are. I know that today people can be so mean and cruel to others about things like weight, and how to act and what to do. I think weight is bigger for women because you do not see all of the men freaking out when they have a beer gut or grey hair. As women I am speaking for myself because I do not know what all women think. I should say me as a woman I look and see all of the mag. adds with pretty girls, and prefect everything. Then how the men stare and what that. But really are they getting the right person? Or is that woman just who she is? Who really knows? I think that your boyfriend sounds great he does not care about the looks but what is inside. I do think that it is hard to take that in. I have issues just like everyone and I still doubt things at times but I am learning to move on. It is hard but I am doing it. Keep going and do what is right for Patty and I think the rest will fall into place.

Have a great day.

Bonnie said...

I'm so sorry you are having such a hard time trusting your heart. Matt is a lucky guy to have you in his life because you are such a beautiful person inside and out. I love using my blog as a therapy tool, it's a lot cheaper and you get a lot of love! You know how to find me!

David Showers said...

Thanks for stopping by my blog.

Speaking from the male point of view, you just need to trust that he really loves you for who you are.

I've been married for twenty-three years and watched my wife go from 110 to 275 pounds. I love her the same no matter how much she weighs.

Over the past two years she has lost almost 100 pounds. I am so proud of her.

Now, here is a strange thing. The other day I saw a larger lady from behind that reminded me of my wife at her heaviest - and guess what - I felt a physical attraction. Was it because I'm into large women - no. I think it is just because she reminded me of my wife, my love.

So what am I trying to say?

I love her for her - not her body (although very attractive).

Don't create problems that don't exist. One of the things I hate most is when my wife tells me she doesn't belive I think she is attractive. We've had some heated conversations over this very topic.

Don't worry, be happy.

Alexis AKA MOM said...

Patty I know how tough that was I applaud you for being so brave! You're one amazing woman to put it all out there in your relationship and in your blog!

As for weight I hear ya girl I've been trying to avoid it for a while now but it's becoming more and more in my face that I am no longer just a little fluffy! And now that Caden is 20 mo I can no longer blame it on the baby weight. So my dear we go together to be better people. You seem to already be on the right path, I'm going to have to take pointers from you!

My new weightloss buddy ;).

Really my dear your amazing and your blog makes me smile and laugh every day! TYSM Lex

Katie said...

Patty I think the first step to working on this is doing exactly what you've been doing. Realizing you have issues and trying to work on them. I think admitting you have a fear is a giant first step, bravo to you. Seriously, I mean it. Not everyone can admit when they want to change something.

I think we all have acceptance issues, so don't think that you are alone either.

Katie said...

Hey Patty thanks for your sweet compliments too! I wanted to add that I did the cupcake project using mini cupcake holders - I think those are meant for truffles with second graders and they came out really cute. We made them on the front of a Mother's Day card, and then they wrote a letter on that manilla lined paper for the inside. It was so cute how they agonized over what they wrote. There were rough drafts and everything, my kiddos were students with special needs and it was a project they all worked so hard on!

Speaking of teaching, I know you teach above early childhood so if you ever do a great project with your students please consider taking a picture of it or writing a description and letting me know. You don't have to post it on your personal blog it can just be posted over there if you want. I'd love to feature it on my new blog http://abcand123learning.blogspot.com/.

Jen said...

I just want to say I am SO proud of you!! I admire you in so many ways and the one thing I admire most is your ability to be confident in yourself!! I lack that, especially when it comes to my weight. We've talked about this many times before and it was you that inspired my get "Let's get real post!

I believe your head will catch up to heart!! Just enjoy this time with Matt!! Don't over analyze it, relax and enjoy!!

I love you friend!!

ScrappinAway said...

I think it is good step that you were able to put all your thoughts into words, I am horrible at this (I am even having a hard time right now trying to leave you a comment, lol) I never seem to get what is in my head into words! I think the most important thing is communication and it seems as those you have found someone who is able to be open and can listen. Take it one day a time and I am sure you will grow together!
I just found a great new blog and am writing a post on it...it is a blog community of women who are trying to lose weight and get healthy together. Check my blog tomorrow to learn more!

Thanks for the sweet comment on my blog about my mural!

Kris said...

Wow, I just came across your blog this evening and I must tell you how touched I was reading this post. You are so brave to share these innermost feelings and struggles and I really admire you for that. I think this wonderful man that has entered your life perhaps came at just the right time. He sounds like such a genuine person who loves you for who you are. I would say to embrace the moment and to enjoy what is in front of you now. It is always a risk, but in life everything is. I think you're being smart, so that's good, but definitely enjoy the goodness of this relationship you have now entered. I wish you all the best!

Ginger said...

Patty, Thanks for being so sincere and honest, and for trusting us with your personal life. That is being vulnerable, something difficult for me to do. I don't know that I have any words of advice, except to say that no matter what a person's body type, there are always insecurities, even in the "skinny" girls. How wonderful that you are still secure about who you are. And how wonderful for Matt! It sounds like you have a great relationship!